Your forties are all the things. It’s a slice of this, a taste of that, and sometimes with accompanying heartburn. I wish I had a more eloquent description but this is what I’ve settled on. To date, this is the most wild phase of life for me. It’s also my most emotional.
I’m getting texts from friends who’ve lost a parent and need to cry, a DM from a friend who is facing devastating personal health news while holding her baby in her arms, emails from the principal reminding me of a PTO need, calls from the school to discuss my child’s IEP, judgmental budget glares from my beloved husband after a month of kid birthday parties and related birthday expenditures, texts from students who need help understanding midterm essays, check-ins from peers on my writing, shouts from every corner of my house from the little who can’t find her bathing suit before swim, and messages from my mom reminding me to take care of myself. Mom, don’t read the next line because you’ll be disappointed. I suck at taking care of myself.
I’m so tired. I’m grossly out of shape. I am behind in dishes, organizing my closet, and there’s so much laundry to put away…still.
And yet despite all of this heavy bullshit that’s not bullshit but I’m out of words, there’s so much insanely good happening around me. My girls are growing. They are healthy and strong. I laid in my husband’s arms last night for a few minutes and reveled at how lucky I am to be loved by him. He’s a magnet for miracles. I am consistently writing. My friendships are faith on fire. My parents came to visit and I snuggled my mom fiercely. I was able to sneak in some hugs from my forever human teddy bear aka dad. I also feel so inspired to create and belong to communities where differences are celebrated and elevated. In short, life is heavy, full, promising, and wildly wonderful. It’s also all the things that I still can’t describe but know exist.
I am going to take better care of myself because things are entirely too interesting to risk failed health. And as I go through all the things, I know others do as well. As a non-expert but experiencer of many things, my only advice is to find someone and/or something to covet and carry. All the things is only worth it if we give permission and priority to stop to savor the sweet stuff.
The Forty Files 